


Just As It Was

by Pline



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Evan "Buck" Buckley Needs A Hug, Gen, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Prompt Fic, Self-Esteem Issues, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:53:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23452783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pline/pseuds/Pline
Summary: After the lawsuit, Buck overworks himself trying to prove his worth to the team.One day, he pushes too far.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Firehouse 118 Crew, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 61
Kudos: 908





	Just As It Was

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt received on my tumblr ([@bilbobagglns](https://bilbobagglns.tumblr.com/))
> 
> _Buck has been feeling guilty about the lawsuit to the point that he overworks himself with extra shifts and making good with the team, but it gets too much he gets dizzy spells but ignores it, team worries, at one point he passes out after a rescue back at the station. Firefam takes care of him. Please make it as agnst as you can #sorrynotsorry. Thank you xo_

They say they forgive him. They say they’ve moved on.

Buck wants to believe them, but he knows, deep down, that things can never be the same, though he so dearly wants them to.

They joke with him, they share meals with him. Everything should be back to normal, before the accident, before the embolism.

Before the lawsuit.

It’s not back to normal. It never will be.

He makes sure to never complain, he never shows that he’s hurting or tired. He smiles and he jokes and most importantly, he keeps working.

He pulls 24-hour shifts after 24-hour shifts and if anyone asks, he says he has missed working and that he needs it. If they press, he says he needs the money to pay back his medical bills. That usually shuts them up.

The truth is, he needs to prove to them that he deserves to be back. He has failed them but that does not mean that he is a failure.

(He still feels like a failure, but he is good at lying to himself.)

If he works hard enough, if he shows them that he’s good and that he deserves to be on the field, maybe they’ll see. Maybe they’ll understand why he had to do what he did.

They say they forgive him, but he knows they haven’t.

He reads the hesitation in Bobby’s stance when he asks Buck if his leg is okay.

(What he is really asking, is if Buck is good enough.)

So Buck works. He keeps working and working and working.

When he’s not working, he is with Eddie and Christopher. Anytime Buck is offered a chance to spend time with them, he jumps to the occasion, even if his body is aching and exhausted and he can barely stand upright without feeling dizzy.

It’s okay. It’s worth it.

Every moment spent with them is a reminder of everything he has almost lost.

A reminder that he has to keep proving himself to them.

He won’t abandon them again, he won’t betray them again.

Buck has to prove himself to everyone, to his friends, to his team, to prove that he deserves to be welcomed back in that family they have created.

Maybe one day, they will love him again as they did before. Maybe one day, they will trust him again.

* * *

For weeks, Buck has been pushing himself to his very limits. He can’t remember the last time that he has slept for more than four hours consecutively. He knows that he has lost weight and that, more often than not these days, he shows up to work with dark circles under his eyes.

He has even stopped putting gel in his hair, choosing to sleep just one more minute instead.

As soon as he wakes up, he knows that today is going to be hard.

He has been prone to migraines his whole life, getting one once or twice a year. Since he has been back to the 118, he has been getting them more often.

Today, he wakes up and everything hurts.

Opening his eyes is a struggle, getting up is a battle that he loses, and he stumbles to the floor, face first, as soon as he tries stranding on his legs.

He has an hour before he has to go to work. Before, he would exercise, do some yoga poses to start the day in a good mood.

Now, he only staggers to the bathroom, struggling to keep himself upright until he reaches his medicine cabinet and swallows dry a pill of the strongest anti migraine medicine he has.

Then, foregoing breakfast and shower, he waits, sitting on the floor, in the dark, for the migraine to get under control. It won’t be gone by the time he has to start his shift, but it’ll be good enough.

He can be good enough.

* * *

“Buck, maybe you should go home today.”

_We don’t need you._

“No, I’m good” he protests and it’s weak even to his own ears. “I just didn’t sleep well last night. But I’m alright.”

Bobby gives him a dubious look, but he doesn’t press.

He can’t go home, he can’t leave, or they will start doubting him again. He can’t risk them seeing his cracks or they will bench him again, maybe even for good this time.

He can’t lose them again.

So he smiles through the pain, he hides his dizziness, he holds his body back from wincing every time there is a noise just a bit too loud, or some light just a bit too bright.

* * *

He should have known he could have never fooled them.

* * *

The worst thing is that he does not topple over after a draining, difficult call.

At least then, he could have blamed his clumsiness on it.

No. Instead, it’s a routine call, right at the end of their shift. Someone that managed to get their arm stuck under their washing machine while reaching for something that slipped under it.

They are only supposed to get in, free the guy, make sure he is alright, and then leave.

Buck isn’t even involved. He is just standing behind, his migraine is almost completely gone, but it has left his body even more drained of energy than it already was.

He does not even notice the cat at first, too busy he is in keeping a fake smile up.

“Looks like you’ve got a fan, Buck.”

“Huh?”

Eddie frowns, then points at the cat that’s trying to climb up Buck’s leg.

“Oh.” Buck, despite his fatigue, can’t help but the sincere smile that warms itself on his face. “Hello there, little buddy.”

“The grand return of Disney princess Buck,” Chim announces, laughing – an old running joke started because animals, and kids, kept gravitating around him on calls.

Buck kneels to pet the cat that purrs in contentment at the attention. It warms Buck’s heart, even if it’s just a small interaction with an animal, it’s eased some of the tension in his shoulders. Maybe he should get a cat, he thinks, distantly.

For an instant, Buck forgets how tired he is, how weary. It’s a simple moment of joy in his too long day, and it’ll have to be enough to keep him going.

“Alright everyone, we’re good to go.”

At the sound Bobby’s voice, Buck gives one last pat to the cat and, without thinking, too distracted by the cute cat, gets up – too fast.

The room spins around him, his sight goes black.

He collapses.

He comes back to the sight of Hen and Chimney crouched over him, brows furrowed in worry. Bobby and Eddie are hovering just besides them.

Shame fills his heart. He has never felt so weak, so useless, he could cry from the humiliation.

“Buck? You there?”

“I’m fine,” he mumbles and he pushes their hands away to sit up.

Nausea rolls up in his stomach but he pushes it down. He has already shown himself weak enough, he does not need to throw up in front of his team to seal the deal.

“Sure,” Chim says, sarcastic. “Want to try that again?”

“I haven’t eaten today,” Buck admits. It’s not a lie. “It’s nothing.”

Silence follows, but he can’t bring himself to look at his team. He wants to disappear. What if he’s ruined everything? He was supposed to show them he was worth keeping around, and now he’s gone and ruined his chances of earning back his place.

“Can you stand?”

Buck nods. He keeps his gaze down.

The drive back to the station is heavy with unspoken words.

* * *

“Sit.”

He doesn’t protest as Bobby manhandles him into the couch – like a child.

Is that all he’s ever going to be? The screw-up? The man-child, the kid that can’t grow up, that keeps disappointing everyone?

Was he ever right to think he was worthy to work among them?

Maybe it’d have been better if he had stayed away. Maybe he should have never survived the bomb.

“Drink this.”

He doesn’t even look at the glass, gulping down what turns out to be orange juice without a care.

He is going to be fired. Or benched again, at best.

He can’t do this again. He can’t, he can’t, he can’t.

“Don’t send me away,” his traitorous mouth blurts out. “I can still do the work, you don’t have to fire me, I haven’t screwed up until now. I can still do this, Bobby, you don’t have to send me away again, I – ”

“Buck, no,” Bobby cuts. His face has drained of all color. “Nobody is going to send you away.”

Buck’s migraine has come back with a vengeance, and he is too tired to read the horror written on his friends’ expression.

“I’m sorry. I can be better. I’ll work harder, I promise.”

“Buckaroo,” Hen takes his hand, gentle. “We are not disappointed in you. We’re worried.”

Buck blinks. “What?”

Her expression breaks even more.

“Is that what you’ve been worried about? Us sending you away?”

He looks down in shame. He is losing control, they can’t know or they will see he doesn’t deserve to be here.

“I’m fine.”

There is movement and suddenly Eddie is kneeling down in front of Buck, but Buck closes his eyes, unable to look at his dearest friend, the man that he has been in love with for so long. The man that he has disappointed the most.

“You’re not fine,” Eddie whispers. “But it’s okay. We’re here.”

Someone sits next to him, pushing him into a side-bodied hug and Buck does not have to look to know that it’s his captain. Tears escape him. He feels a hand reach to wipe them away.

“How long has it been since you’ve slept a full night?” Chim asks but it’s not aggressive.

“I’m okay,” Buck lies, desperate. “I’m fine.”

“Let us take care of you,” Bobby says softly. “We’re your family.”

A sob fights to break free but he holds it, and it only comes out as a broken whimper.

“You’ll leave me. Everyone does.”

“No way,” and Hen tightens her hold on his hand. “This is a lifetime deal – 118 station or not, we’re all in this family for life.”

Buck shakes his head. His eyes are still firmly pressed closed, trying hard to keep the tears inside.

“I’ll screw up again. I’ve been trying to prove that I’m worth it, that I deserved to come back after the lawsuit but I keep screwing up and – ”

“We’ve long forgiven you for the lawsuit,” Eddie interrupts. “None of us dealt with the situation in the best way. We all made mistakes. We know why you did it, we understand. It’s okay. But have _you_ forgiven _us_?”

That’s what makes Buck open his eyes. He stares, in shock, at his best friend. Eddie only looks up at him, gentle but sad.

“There’s nothing to forgive – ”

“Buck, you were alone and in pain, and you though you couldn’t come to us. That’s on us.”

“Eddie is right,” Chim says. “We’re sorry. I’m sorry.”

There is nothing that Buck could have done that would have held back his tears.

“Look at me, Buck,” Bobby whispers, and Buck obeys – a reflex. “You haven’t screwed up. We are not going to leave you. And, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I left you think you had to prove your worth to us. I’m sorry that I let my emotions keep you from the job.”

“Cap,” Buck says, brokenly.

“We’re family,” Hen says with a fond smile. “We’ve always known your worth. You don’t have anything to prove to us, and you especially don’t need to overwork yourself for it.”

“I’m – .” He stops, not knowing what to say.

“You don’t think we’ve noticed how many hours you’ve been working?” she continues, still gently. “We’ve been so worried about you, we just didn’t know how to bring it to you.”

“I’m sorry,” he whispers. It was never his goal to worry them.

“You want to make it up to us?” Bobby asks.

Buck whips his head to his captain.

“Yes,” he rushes to say, eager, and that earns him a soft smile.

“Then take better care of yourself.”

“Oh.” Pause. “Okay, I can do that.”

Chim ruffles his hair and Buck can’t even pretend to get grumpy about it.

“Shift is over,” Bobby says. “Take a few days off and sleep. That’s an order.”

Some part of him wants to protest, wants to say that he can still work, that he’s strong enough. Yet he does not say anything, he just nods.

Eddie helps Buck up, putting his arms around his waist to keep him standing. Buck wants to say that he’s okay, he can stand. Again, he says nothing.

He is too overwhelmed.

He is also learning that not being strong does not have to mean being weak.

“You’re staying at my place tonight,” Eddie says, not leaving any place for an argument.

“Okay.”

Everyone hugs him before they leave, and he feels stronger than he has in a long time. He knows that he is not alone, and he is starting to think that maybe it will be alright. He looks at them and thinks, they have forgiven him, truly. They love him.

He does not have to pretend to be strong for them.

His smile does not leave his lips as Eddie guides him to his car, it only grows stronger as they make their way to Eddie’s place.

Eddie never leaves his side, not as they pick Christopher up from his abuela’s, not as they make dinner, not as they put Christopher to bed.

He does not leave his side either when Buck starts to lay on the couch. Without words, he only takes Buck’s hand and leads him to his own room.

They lay together, every part of them touching, and they will have to talk about it, but not now. For now, they just enjoy each other’s presence, and Buck finds peace into the embrace.

They fall asleep together and Buck knows that, in the morning, he will finally feel rested.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it!
> 
> Thank you for reading, and don't forget to leave a comment 💕


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